Personal Information

I was born in Russia in 1972 (real name Alexei Shostakovich) and emigrated to a small American farm town with my family when I was three. I spent the next four years working in the fields cutting sugar beet. When I was nine I packed my meagre belongings into an abnormally large tea leaf and left the commune to see America for myself. Unfortunately fate was cruel to me and as a small Russian child making my way across the country I underwent many hardships. I was eventually deported from the land of freedom and opportunity in 1983 for being dangerously subversive. Like all American rejects my obvious destination was the far away country of England, and after working on a Welsh whaling boat for six months I was able to secure passage to Southampton.

Shortly after my arrival in Southampton I was arrested for loitering without intent, and was sent to a home for persistent offenders. It was here that I learnt to speak English and at the age of eighteen gained three A-levels in Russian which enabled me to study Spanish and Italian at Edinburgh university where I now live in a three bedroom cardboard box with en suite bathroom. In the future I hope to bring down the capitalist west from within by joining the British civil service and in particular the Diplomatic Core.